Level Of Confidence

Talking about level of confidence ni, I have so many to things to put here. Firstly nak cerita pasal keje. For those yang tak tau, I’ve been laid off dr Hyder last Nov 09. Without questioning much on that, I move on.. Nak nangis and pikir why and what and so on panjang2 pon x guna.
Cari keje baru, venture here and there,u name it la I tried all the possibilities. Kata orang kalau rezeki tak kemana. Apart from dapat 3 offers in Doha, I ade satu arrangement kat Malaysia jugak. Setelah di timbang tara semua and memandangkan am still here, so I decided to stay. My new employer is one of leading engineering consultant gak la.

I have a very nice boss. Kind hearted and good to work with. My boss ni dia pnh cite dia mmg start dr bwh. He was a design engineer la jugak dulu. In engineering world, for you to reach top level I admit that mmg susah. Unless u started with project planning or management from the day one u practice. Sbb once u dah master in technical the management part will be the skill tht u’ll be lacking of. But a good one will have a balance between these . Eh ok back to my story. As usual, I have to serve 3 months probation period,that was supposed to end last April 12. I was called by HR, they gave me a letter ckp they have decided to extend my probation period. Panic? Worry? Whom am I kidding if I say am not. Sure la. Am not claiming myself as engineer yg perform sgt well, but prior to this I never gone tru this kind of treatment.Confirm awal pernah la merasa. I sat down at my work station, take some time to ponder the point. Yeah I went back to Malaysia on emergency basis sbb my mom was not well, thus I was not able to finish my model on the estimated time and bla..bla... bla. Yeah I was anticipted this somehow, it just hard to digest in. I was torn between..

To ease my doubt, I decided to see my boss. I started with, “Mr Raed, I x really mind this extension but I hope u can shed me some light on what is my possible weakness, so that I can improve myself to help u” ...Katanya,” Roz, this is no t ur fault, arrived here at our very peak time, so I was not able to pull one specific task to measure ur achievement..It's my fault"...

Few days gak la I felt so miserable. I dunno whether he’s telling me the truth or just to make me feel good. Some of my friends advised me, assuring me that just hold on to my faith. They said as far as their concerned am good. Few days later, laid down on my bed, smbil dok tenung2 syiling, I was thinking…..where was my fault? (degil kan?? Even he said it wasn’t my fault- according to my fren I ni ahli fikir-over analytical mind)

Dig and dig…I was brought to this terminal. Lantak la if they think am not performing enough, I know what am doing, and I know what I want, even tho it is very hard for me to get it. Am not a person with sour grape attitude and I really hate tht. For me if someone or something is good, it is still good even tho I was not able get it..
Cakap pasal keje, am quite confident with my ability. I will defend my decision to a very last drop, may be that over analytical thinking that I have tu la that shaped me up this way. I know why am I doing... and I know what am I doing. So why do I have to worry much, if this comp thinks am just not fit in their organization, I have thousands out there. Because if one thing good for others in does not necessarily mean good for u. So with that, I rest my case. It wiped out the cloud in my mind..Worry byk2 pon, it doesn’t bring me anywhere. My fren said I’ve been tru a lot and am still surviving; in fact this is much easier than before. So she was true, hold on to ur faith, that will make u feel worthy and stronger.

In a very isolated case, there was one fine day I went out for dinner with a fren. Talk and talk…bla..bla…bla.. I told my fren, u know wht? When I was in UM last time during my early years in engineering faculty, I minat sorang mamat ni. He was a BWP kat…. Suddenly I was stopped by my fren’s statement. Eh u know wht, I selalu dgr cerita u mesti…”dulu kan I ade minat dia ni..” or “ade sorang mamat ni masa kat sekolah dulu I minat kat dia “ She said u r such a different from one of her friend sorang ni….yg statement dia ..“Dia tu dulu minat kat I”….or “I know dia tu suka I”…Namun according to my friend, tak pernah dgr dr mulut org tu even once admit…"I penah suka kat dia dulu"...or sewaktu dgn nya. She also told me that ..I pulak tak pnh dgr dr u kata yang “dulu dia penah suka kat aku” …or thing similar to it.....Itu la... confident ni came in so many ways. But seriously, I have never been so confident up to the level that I can tell somebody else org suka kat I until I dgr sendiri dr mulut org tu. Walau ada org pernah admit sekali pon, for me to talk back about that kat org lain with that statement mmg sgt susah, I have no gut to put that in words. Mungkin this kind of confidence came along with how they look la kot, as for me, kalau tak lawa or kacak , susah la nak kuar statement yg mcm tu. Mungkin sbb x I tak lawa la I x de tht kind of confident.

To be frank, I never bother kalau org tak respect I because of the way I look. Its not that I never thanked to god,.... I do. In my life, I never do anything to impress anyone with the way I look... I'd rather ppl respect me because of what I have in between my shoulders. I do not need branded staff to make myself confident. If I want, it was because I wanted it...kalau mahal and I think I can afford it, I will buy, but if it is not...then leave it. Namun kalau nak ikat2 perut just for the sake of having that...no...that's not me. Kalau murah pon, if I like, I will buy.... Why do I need branded stuff to make me shine out? I have that inside of me...

Having faith in life will actually drive you where u are heading to, you have brains in your head.
you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself in any direction you choose. From all these, I learnt that.......never rely on someone or something else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different!